Patent limericks competition: first, the hors d'oeuvres

To mark this year's Standards and Patents Conference, which takes place on 16 and 17 November (programme and booking details here), tytoc collie organised a competition, for which the prize was complimentary registration, two networking lunches, four networking breaks and two cups of registration coffee.  The competition rules were simple: entrants only had to compose a limerick that began with the words "A crafty inventor called Fred".

The winning entries will be posted later.  This post contains a selection of entries which, tytoc collie informs his readers, has been drawn from those talented, misunderstood, highly educated, sensitive and abused people who work as examiners for patent granting authorities.  Like football referees, their job is necessary, difficult, demands acute powers of observation and is generally thankless.  Success for a patent examiner, as for a football referee, comes when he can do his job without anyone noticing that he is even there. But enough of this, and the Kats reserve the right to have a go at patent examiners when the next opportunity arises.

These authors are anxious to conceal their identities since they fear reproach or reprisal from their employers yet, bravely and in some cases during office hours, they have risked all in order to provide some harmless enjoyment for tytoc collie's readers.  Just look at the quality of these ...

A crafty inventor called Fred
Was afraid to be found dead in his bed.
He devised an alarm
Which caused him much harm
And killed him at lunchtime instead.

A crafty inventor called Fred
Found a nice book which he read
On Heath-Robinson contraptions
And without any exceptions
He recreated them from A to Z [Note for American readers: "Z" has to be pronounced the English way, not as "Zee"].

A crafty inventor called Fred
Applied for an idea that he had
For perpetual motion
(whence got he that notion?);
This ended both quickly and sad.

Patent people being what they are, tytoc collie was not surprised that, having received this,

A crafty inventor called Fred
Novel thoughts bearing fruit in his head
Knows it takes many years
To patent his ideas
So he keeps them a secret instead

 he then received a request to file a divisional application for this ...

A crafty inventor called Fred

Novel thoughts bearing fruit in his head

Knows it takes many years

To patent his ideas

So he'll sell you a licence instead.

 Thanks, fellas, say the Kats.  We're so glad you took the trouble to brighten our day.