Patent limericks competition: now for the winner!

The previous post gave readers a sample of the entries received in tytoc collie's Patent Limerick competition.  Now for the winner ...

The number of entries received was very large.  Getting on for a hundred submissions came in, from three continents and goodness-knows-how-many time zones. On reflection, the Kats should have spotted how easy it is to rhyme "Fred" with "bed", a factor that led to an easy descent to the sort of bawdy verse that tytoc collie is (i) reluctant to confess to finding very funny when done well, but (ii) barred from posting on a weblog which, as is well known, is family reading material. Nonetheless, some limericks managed to slip through his filter and comply with most, if not all, of the rules for writing limericks. Some of the better ones are reproduced here.

A crafty inventor called Fred
Worked hard and went late to bed.
His invention brought him fame
But to standards he was lame
So his bank account's still in the red. (Jasper Groot Koerkamp)

A crafty inventor called Fred
Consistently fell out of bed
With attorneys and backers
And ended up crackers -
So now it's as well that he's dead.

A crafty inventor called Fred
Of whom people commonly said
"His ideas just won't fly"
Came along, passing by,
With a wave and a smile, overhead!

A crafty inventor called Fred
Tried his best to make silver from lead
With a downgraded stone
Which he happened to own
But he just got frustrated instead. (all three from Richard Gallafent)

A crafty inventor called Fred
Filed patent applications by the hundred
It was rather funny,
But none made him money,
So he became an attorney instead (Dr Michael Factor)

A crafty inventor called Fred
Is a cautionary tale, it is said.
He imbibed too much wine
Filed Form 2 not 9
And revoked his own patent instead. (Lucy Holloway)

A crafty inventor called Fred
dumped hardware for software instead
because it's easy, you know
with the USPTO
to get some maths trivia patented. (Gerry Gavigan)

A crafty inventor called Fred
Spent a long time in his shed
His clever idea
He sold to Ikea
Now his Kat is very well fed (Mary Smillie)

A crafty inventor called Fred
Held patents galore in his shed
'INJUNCTIONS!' - his goal,
But he got branded a troll,
So he licensed on FRAND terms instead. (Mark Daniels)

A crafty inventor called Fred
Built an aircraft entirely from lead
When they cried "Why Fred Why?"
"You know it won't fly!"
"Not obvious for patent" he said. (Chris Torrero)

In a field such as this, it was obvious that there would be problems in picking a winner, but in the end the Kat's preference went to a second entry by Lucy Holloway that reads thus:

A crafty inventor called Fred
Was sadly unable to wed.
Despite his Degrees
He spoke just ‘patentese’
And none could work out what he said.

For style, substance, insight into the real world of IP and sheer pathos, this was sheer poetry.  Please get in touch, says the Kat, so that your complimentary registration to next month's Standards and Patents Conference can be sorted out.

Patent limericks competition: first, the hors d'oeuvres

To mark this year's Standards and Patents Conference, which takes place on 16 and 17 November (programme and booking details here), tytoc collie organised a competition, for which the prize was complimentary registration, two networking lunches, four networking breaks and two cups of registration coffee.  The competition rules were simple: entrants only had to compose a limerick that began with the words "A crafty inventor called Fred".

The winning entries will be posted later.  This post contains a selection of entries which, tytoc collie informs his readers, has been drawn from those talented, misunderstood, highly educated, sensitive and abused people who work as examiners for patent granting authorities.  Like football referees, their job is necessary, difficult, demands acute powers of observation and is generally thankless.  Success for a patent examiner, as for a football referee, comes when he can do his job without anyone noticing that he is even there. But enough of this, and the Kats reserve the right to have a go at patent examiners when the next opportunity arises.

These authors are anxious to conceal their identities since they fear reproach or reprisal from their employers yet, bravely and in some cases during office hours, they have risked all in order to provide some harmless enjoyment for tytoc collie's readers.  Just look at the quality of these ...

A crafty inventor called Fred
Was afraid to be found dead in his bed.
He devised an alarm
Which caused him much harm
And killed him at lunchtime instead.

A crafty inventor called Fred
Found a nice book which he read
On Heath-Robinson contraptions
And without any exceptions
He recreated them from A to Z [Note for American readers: "Z" has to be pronounced the English way, not as "Zee"].

A crafty inventor called Fred
Applied for an idea that he had
For perpetual motion
(whence got he that notion?);
This ended both quickly and sad.

Patent people being what they are, tytoc collie was not surprised that, having received this,

A crafty inventor called Fred
Novel thoughts bearing fruit in his head
Knows it takes many years
To patent his ideas
So he keeps them a secret instead

 he then received a request to file a divisional application for this ...

A crafty inventor called Fred

Novel thoughts bearing fruit in his head

Knows it takes many years

To patent his ideas

So he'll sell you a licence instead.

 Thanks, fellas, say the Kats.  We're so glad you took the trouble to brighten our day.